Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Update!
Kelvin has just sent me a mail hoping that we can make some money before the end of the year! Updates will follow!
Saturday, October 4, 2008
The Mysterious Kelvin Smith- End Game 2 (part 6)
Editor's note: Just a reminder- last e-mail Kelvin accused me of being a joker, not a serious businessman, and I thought I might have pushed him too far.
to: Kelvin Smith
date: Wed, Jul 9, 2008 at 8:37 AM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dear Mr. Smith,
I agree that now is not the time to play games. Please excuse the joke I made in my last email (regarding the peacock feather).
Have you received the form I sent in?
I just went over our last few emails, and realise that I made yet another mistake- you said I should transfer the funds to Micheal Brown, not Michelle. I believe that the Western Union will require more information than just that- after all, London is quite a large city, and Micheal Brown is quite a common name.
Waiting for your reply,
Jonathan Ombudsman
Editor's note: Now I just needed to wait and see if he'd come back, or if my over the top message had suddenly put every odd thing I'd said in the proper perspective (that I was trying to drive him crazy). A few hours later, I found out...
from: Kelvin Smith
to: Jonathan Ombudsman
date: Wed, Jul 9, 2008 at 11:18 AM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dear Jonathan Ombudsman,
Just go ahead and send transfer fee via western union to the name and address below and send me the western union 10 digit control number and stop all this question and answer,this is a million dollar deal,I have no time to waste :
Name:Micheal Brown
Address:London/United Kingdom
Enter the western Union office and send the transfer fee,there is no way any body can receive the money than the real Micheal Brown because the secret 10 digit should sent to me and I will forward it to Micheal Brown in the bank.
Waiting to read from you.
Regards,
Kelvin Smith.
Editor's note: Boy! Someone's a bit antsy. He needed to be put in his place, and if he didn't want to do business MY way, he could take a hike.
from: Jonathan Ombudsman
to: Kelvin Smith
date: Wed, Jul 9, 2008 at 10:51 PM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dear Mr. Smith,
I do not at all appreciate your bossy tone. On the advice of my accountant, and after checking with the HSBC, I have been told that I do not need to wire the transfer fee until AFTER the bank has already processed the request. Has the form gone through? It's been many days already! It appears that I should be the one who is doing the bossing around- I have been working very hard to make this deal go through, making countless phone calls to various real estate brokers (on my holiday, no less!). If you do not wish to acknowledge the blood and sweat that I have poured in to this endeavour, I would not want to continue doing business. I am not threatening you Kelvin. I love you as a brother (as I'm sure you know). I would love nothing more than to continue with this deal, and wrap it up as soon as possible. However, there are certain rules and protocol that we must follow, and I feel that you are disregarding them. For example, the process fee is not required until AFTER the processing.
Please inform me as to your decision regarding our future dealings, and whether the bank has processed the form.
Waiting impatiently,
J.H.M. Ombudsman V
"You're making me very angry" -Marvin the Martian
from: Kelvin Smith
to: Jonathan Ombudsman
date: Thu, Jul 10, 2008 at 12:57 AM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dear Brother, I'm sorry for the bossy tone but we need to act very fast to move the funds into your account by this week and according to the Bank Transfer Form stated below that the transfer adimintraive Charges shoud be sent along with the fee before transfer. I got a call this afternoon from that bank that they have received the Bank Transfer Form and the process of the funds will take place as soon as you send the transfer fee,please make sure you send it today to avoid delay. There is nothing to be worried about,everything will work out according to our plans,make the payment today via western Union and keep me posted with the MTCN money transfer control number 10 digit so that I can forward it to the bank. Thank you for making countless phone calls to various real estate brokers,you will be rewarded after the funds is transferred into your account,I promise. God Bless you and your wife. Regards, Kelvin Smith.
Editor's note: I was kinda stuck here, seeing as how I was planning neither on giving him by bank account details, nor on transferring him large (or small) sums of money. I thought about claiming that his apology wasn't enough, and going out in an Ombudsman blaze of glory, but then a friend gave me a different idea...
from: Jonathan Ombudsman
to: Kelvin Smith
date: Thu, Jul 10, 2008 at 2:48 PM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dear Kelvin,
Your apology is duly accepted. As you've said, no one is above mistakes, and we ARE under a lot of pressure to get this deal done (the shopping centre has informed me that if we don't act soon they'll raise the price by a half a million shillings). Either way, I have sent in the transfer fee to the "Micheal Brown" that you mentioned in London. The transfer code is 186-100-9086. I was a bit worried about using my real name as the sender, so I instead used an alias that Samantha used when she was on assignment in Iran (it's a long story, and not safe for discussing over e-mail). She was posing as a German filmmaker whose name was "Amanda Huggenkiss", so if they ask Micheal who sent the transfer just tell them that he's looking for Amanda Huggenkiss (please do NOT mention my real name, as it could complicate matters between us). Thank you very much for your discretion, and please let me know when the deposit is in my account so that I can move forward. I would very much like to be refunded as soon as possible for the transfer fee. How soon can you do that?
Yours truly, although still partially insulted and angry about your last email (please apologise more profusely)
J.H. Ombudsman
P.S. I am very excited that the transfer will soon go through. Are you?
Editor's note: Bart Simpson was a hero of mine growing up. I hoped that this name was the least obvious (although Anita Bath would fool him, it was not as funny). The transfer code was a random one I found on the Internet.
from: Kelvin Smith
to: Jonathan Ombudsman
date: Thu, Jul 10, 2008 at 11:25 PM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dear Jonathan Ombudsman,
Why did you send me a fake transfer code 186-100-9086 to send to Micheal Brown,I just got a call that from Micheal Brown that the transfer code 186-100-9086 is fake,there was no money sent by you,you lied to me,I can not trust again because you are not a man of your word.
The western union officer said the transfer code 186-100-9086 is fake and Micheal was arrested for two hours after he was bail by his boss from the bank,see what you have cause me,I regreted doing business with you.
Editor's note: Arrested? That's hilarious! I needed to confirm it! (btw, he sent me that three times)
from: Jonathan Ombudsman
to: Kelvin Smith
date: Thu, Jul 10, 2008 at 11:37 PM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dear Mr. Smith,
There must be some kind of mistake
Is there some way we could speak urgently by phone?
Jonathan
Editor's note: Numerous calls that night did not go through.
from: Kelvin Smith
to: Jonathan Ombudsman
date: Fri, Jul 11, 2008 at 1:00 AM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dear Brother,
Call 0702-4016-342 me right away ,I'm waiting for your call.
Regards,
Kelvin Smith.
from: Kelvin Smith
to: Jonathan Ombudsman
date: Fri, Jul 11, 2008 at 1:05 AM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dear Jonathan Ombudsman ,
Call right away on my direct phone number 0702-4016-342....I'm waiting for your call.
Kelvin Smith
Editor's note: And so I called. There exists a video of this call too, but it's not at funny, so I decided to summarise it in an email to Kelvin. But before I got a chance...
from: Kelvin Smith
to: Jonathan Ombudsman
date: Sat, Jul 12, 2008 at 6:54 PM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dear Brother,
Is this a kind of Joke,stop the game and be real,ok? You never sent the fee I just conformed from the western union office,why do you have to lie....Be real to yourself.
It was nice to know you but you mess up
Regards,
Kelvin Smith.
from: Jonathan Ombudsman
to: Kelvin Smith
date: Sun, Jul 13, 2008 at 12:21 AM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dear Kelvin,
I find your insolent tone quite insolent. I believe that a simple recap of the events of the last few days will put you back in your place. Firstly, I forwarded the money to a "Micheal Brown" in London in one of the islands of the Bahamas. The clerk there wrote down the ten digit number I sent to you, and when I asked him if I needed a receipt he hesitated but said "No." I asked if he was sure, and he said "Yes, that's how we do things here in the Bahamas." A few hours after the transfer, I left in the cruise ship to another of the many thousands of islands in the Bahamas. In the meanwhile, an unarmed Micheal Brown went into a Western Union office in London to get the money I'd sent him. However, there was a problem. I had told you specifically to tell him to ask for "Amanda Huggenkiss", as this is what I had told the clerk to pass along. The reason I was doing this is because I am fairly certain that the governments and corporations of the world are aware of the Master Plan, and will do anything to stop it (including arresting people for a few hours, like Micheal). Therefore, I told the clerk that if anyone should walk in or call with the correct number, but without stating that they were looking for Amanda Huggenkiss, that they would not have been sent by me. Your man Micheal Brown was incorrectly identified as a government agent. Either way, he was soon bailed out. When I called you (later on, I will analise the conversation itself), we decided that what I would do is call the Agency and tell them to send over some men to the Bahamas Western Union official, beat him up and get my money back. You fully agreed with this course of action, and were even interested in receiving the phone number of the Agency's office (which I didn't have on me). Just to update you, the agents are now on the way in their stealthy helicopter to the Bahamas (don't tell anyone yet- it's a surprise!).
And now, the time has come for me to examine your conduct during our negotiations, your emails and phone calls.
During our emails you have called me a "Joker" who is playing a "Joke", which I interpreted to be a negative thing, but then you even had a laugh at my expense (you said "Har Har") (I expect to be reimbursed for that, by the way).
During our conversations you first told me to "hold on". No one tells Jonathan Ombudsman to "hold on". It is not good for your health. Secondly, you used foul language on multiple occasions, something which I cannot tolerate, especially from a man who is a deacon in his church. Thirdly, you called me a "liar". When I confronted you with the fact that other people are using your phone number to scam others out of their savings (which I found out using the popular Internet searching guide "Goggles"), you told me that the Internet was lying (which, though possibly true, would be shocking). Fourthly, you got very animated and were either saying things in languages I don't understand (although I know 58, that's not enough) or were just plain speaking unclearly. Fifthly, you began to cry. I don't like crybabies; they make me ill. Sixthly, when I began speaking of the money you said "Whatever", which sounded as if you didn't care about my money. Seventhly, when I told you that I was happy that at least it was your fault and not mine, you refused to accept responsibility for your failings, which is very unlike the Kelvin Smith I know.
All of these things and more have made me come to the realisation that I am no longer talking with the real Kelvin Smith, but an impostor! My Kelvin Smith, with whom I have made an eternal bond of friendship and brotherhood, whose blood is mixed with mine, and whose daughter will soon be marrying my son Felix (if all still works out- keep your fingers crossed!) had been kidnapped, most likely by the government agents who are after my vast holdings and do not agree with the Master Plan (which is also called the Secret Plan, as its details are both
Secret and Master).
This stroke of genius would not have come to me were I not accidentally hit over the head by a coconut over the weekend. It really helped me open up my thought patterns and consider events that, although unlikely, had definitely happened.
In regards to you, Mr. Government Agent, I am seriously considering the Agency agents out to find you and to find my Brother Kelvin. I will stop at nothing until he is found- it is my duty as an eternal pen pal. If you can hear me, Kelvin, I just want to let you know that I love you very much and I'm going to find you! Don't let them get your spirits down!
If you let the real Kelvin Smith go at any point, please let me know
Sincerely Yours,
Jonathan "Kelvin is my blood brother" Horatio Ombudsman III
"I will always be real to myself, so go suck on an egg, you lousy Government Agent." -The Inimitable Jonathan Ombudsman, Paris June 1978
from: Kelvin Smith
to: Jonathan Ombudsman
date: Tue, Jul 15, 2008 at 12:07 AM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
You are full of lies,I knew you never sent a penny,you are just fooling your old age,,,,,hahahhahlol,stop fooling youself.
from: Jonathan Ombudsman
to: Kelvin Smith
date: Tue, Jul 15, 2008 at 11:52 AM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dear Government Agent,
Your accusations hurt me. Despite the fact that you are fighting to stop the Master Plan, I still care about your opinions. I also am not sure what's so funny. What are you laughing out loud about?
I asked that you only contact me if you decide to free my brother Kelvin. Please stop causing me pain and suffering.
Jonathan Ombudsman
"I must always have the last word" -Jonathan Ombudsman
from: Kelvin Smith
to: Jonathan Ombudsman
date: Tue, Jul 15, 2008 at 4:10 PM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Whatever you call yourself,I'm not moved,hahahhahahahahahlol
from: Jonathan Ombudsman
to: Kelvin Smith
date: Tue, Jul 15, 2008 at 7:21 PM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dear Government Agent,
I did not think that you had moved. That is quite a ridiculous assertion. From the beginning I pitied you- government jobs aren't quite what they used to be, what with the dollar the way it is, and the subprime mortgage realty shopping centre crisis (I've heard a lot about this- I don't know if Kelvin divulged this during your torture interrogations, but I am a retired real-estate dealer broker man). But I really never suggested that you move. If however, you would like to leave your low-paying government job, I would gladly welcome you. Please send me your full name, resume and two contacts (they can be anonymous).
My side will win in the end. Although I cannot discuss the Secret (and Master) Plan freely over the Internet wires, I am sure that you have heard enough about it to know that it is the Superior Plan (in addition to it being Master and Secret, it is also very Superior). In the end it will win out, and there is nothing either the governments of the world, nor the corporations of Swaziland can do about it. All who wish to join me are welcome, and when the time comes they will be justly rewarded. In exchange for coming onboard and revealing to us all of your in-depth knowledege of cloak room assassinations and negotiations, I would be willing to help you both monetarily and fiscally. You will be in a position of power- hundreds will worship you and obey your commands. Thousands will tend to your every need. In addition, we have dental insurance!
I also noticed that you have a tendency to laugh in a somewhat odd manner- instead of most people, who give off a simple "Ha ha!" (or, in my case "Har har!", as I'm sure Kelvin has confessed only after going without sleep for five days), you keep getting stuck- the two times I've read you laugh you have gone "hahahahahaha", or something to that effect. I'm not sure if you're giggling or choking- it is quite unclear. Either way, I would be willing to help you. The Agency and the Company have the best laughing-typing technicians in the world.
I'm sure it's very difficult for you to continue communicating with me in this manner, Mr. Government Agent, without your bosses detecting your clandestine communications. I applaud your bravery and willingness to join the Cause (the Cause really being the whole point of the Master Secret Superior Plan). However, it would be foolish for us to continue communicating this way. If you would like to come on board, just send me the resume and two contacts (for now I will forgo the 1500 pound registration fee), and a phone number that I can reach you at. I'm sure it is superfluous to tell you to make sure the phone call can't be traced. Also, your name would be quite helpful.
Any information you can provide as to Kelvin's status at this time would be most appreciated by both my wife and I (Samantha has gone near-sick with worry). Also, (Kelvin may have mentioned this after the Chinese Water Torture) my youngest son Fenwick is engaged to Kelvin's daughter Gift, but we don't know how to make contact with the family (Kelvin was our only link, and now he is no longer a free man). If you could help us out with that, it'd be much appreciated.
Until then, Mr. Government Agent, I hope all goes well
Sincerely,
Jonathan Horatio Ombudsman XLI, Esq.
"Meow"
from: Kelvin Smith
to: Jonathan Ombudsman
date: Thu, Jul 17, 2008 at 10:53 PM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
The Game Is Over
Editor's Note: He sent this three times, just to make sure I got it (it also might be this email thing confuses him). I figured I would send him an email to get the last word in after a couple of days, but I forgot. I thought I had heard the last from Kelvin Smith until a few weeks later...(it'll be a while before I put the new ones up)
Monday, August 18, 2008
The Mysterious Kelvin Smith- End Game 1 (part 5)
to: Jonathan Ombudsman
date: Fri, Jul 4, 2008 at 4:49 PM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dear Brother,
I have not read from you for the past few days,what is going on? I hope all is well with you and your wife?
Reply me back as soon as you read this message.
Thanks, Kelvin Smith.
from: Jonathan Ombudsman
to: kelvin smith
date: Fri, Jul 4, 2008 at 6:31 PM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dearest Blood Brother,
I am sorry for the delay in my sending-in of the form-of-which-you-speak-so-highly. Meow. There was this terrible sand storm in the Bahamas the last few days, and all of our communications were knocked out. It was just dreadful outside, but we were able to have ping-pong and croquet tournaments inside to keep us busy (Separately, of course- you can't play ping-pong and croquet together! Har har! Meow!). Either way (sorry for getting off track), the point is that I sent the form in approximately two hours ago, and simultaneously posted to the address-of-which-you-speak-so-highly. I am making preparations to have the transfer fee wired to Micheal (are you sure he doesn't spell it Michael) Brown. Please tell me when the form is finished processing. I am sorry for the delay in this business- as we'd mentioned we BOTH wanted to have this whole thing patched up by the end of the week, but it looks like that won't be happening meow.
With best wishes for a warm and comfortable weekend meow,
J.H. Ombudsman
Frontiersman
"Tis not to the one who meows the most, but to the one who meows last" Confucius circa 1923
P.S. I might not necessarily be able to check my email over the weekend, but please let me know when the transfer goes through.
Editor's note: Truth be told, the form had not been sent in.
from: Kelvin Smith
to: Jonathan Ombudsman
date: Fri, Jul 4, 2008 at 8:58 PM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dear Brother,
Thanks my dear brother for the update,I was very worried for not reading from you but know my mind is at rest after reading from you.
I'm glad you have send the form and by Monday the bank will get the Form and the process of the funds will take place and I will advice you to send the transfer fee on Monday so that as soon as the bank is getting the bank form,they also getting the transfer fee,please keep me posted as you wired the transfer fee.
The mistake is from me,no nobody is above mistake,thanks for the correction.
Name:Micheal Brown
Address:London/Brown
I hope we round up this transaction by next week.
My Regards To Wife,
Kelvin Smith.
Editor's note: I'm not sure what's funnier- that he once again spelled the guy's name "Micheal", or that he thought I would actually send it.
from: Jonathan Ombudsman
to: kelvin smith
date: Sun, Jul 6, 2008 at 10:54 PM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dearest Kelvy,
I knew that you were worried for not reading from you. Since we have made this bond of friendship, our souls are linked in the intergalactic battlefields, and anything you feel, I feel as well. In addition, anything you can do I can do better. It is all related, and in the end is part of the Master Plan.
Please let me know when the transfer goes through, and when Michelle Brown receives the transfer fee. Are there many Michelle Browns in London? Will she have trouble receiving the fee? These questions and more continually haunt me at night, despite the fact that I am on holiday (and sleeping like a baby). However, because of the intergalactic battlefield connection, I'm sure you already knew this. Please forgive my doubting you.
Thank you for your regards to wife. She many appreciative.
We've spoken to our son Finnigan about your daughter (Gift). He wasn't so thrilled at the time, but we'll soon have our way. I'm sure you know how to discipline children (you continually ask them nicely).
I eagerly await the end of this stage of the transaction, and the bond of blood that awaits us when we return from the cruise.
With warm regards,
J.H.M. Ombudsman
"The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?" -King Arthur, circa many years ago
from: Kelvin Smith
to: Jonathan Ombudsman
date: Tue, Jul 8, 2008 at 5:06 PM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dear Brother,
How are you and your family? I hope you had a lovely weekend?
Your last message was not well understood by me,plesae explain in details and make yourself very clear.Have you send the transfer via western union?If yes,update me with details and If no,they why?
This message below is not well understood by me:
Please let me know when the transfer goes through, and when Michelle Brown receives the transfer fee. Are there many Michelle Browns in London? Will she have trouble receiving the fee? These questions and more continually haunt me at night, despite the fact that I am on holiday (and sleeping like a baby). However, because of the intergalactic battlefield connection, I'm sure you already knew this
Waiting to read from you soon.
Best Regards,
Kelvin Smith.
Editor's note: I was confused. Was Kelvin just confused about the part with the transfer fee, or was the intergalactic battlefield connection bothering him?
to: kelvin smith
date: Wed, Jul 9, 2008 at 12:36 AM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dearest Kelvin,
I am truly sorry that you did not understand. Your confusion is my confusion, and the confusion must end. I will shine light upon this matter so that it shall be eminently understandable. For in truth, it is my fault that you are confused Brother Kelvin. I have not explained myself well. But I have learned an important lesson from you. That lesson is that one must take responsibility for mistakes. You may not remember, but just a few emails you go you told me (and I quote) : "The mistake is from me,no nobody is above mistake,thanks for the correction." That quote really showed me what kind of a man you are, Brother Kelvin (I didn't mention it at the time for fear of jinxing it). A man who can, in a few short, sweet words, eloquently accept responsibility for his actions, and fix them! This sentence of yours really touched me, and I will add it to the bank of quotes with which I finish off emails.
I'm sorry for getting off topic, but I just felt the need to express my gratitude to you. Either way, I'm sorry for confusing your confusion, and in so doing disrupting the interstar satellite hook-up time-link we have going on between us. Without further ado, I will explain what I meant:
Yesterday I went to wire the transfer fee to one "Michelle Brown" of London. When I went to the transfer office they informed me that "Michelle Brown" is a somewhat common name, and London is a fairly large city (but not as good as Manchester! Har!). This is what I intended in my email to you. I think I had met a Michelle Brown who works for HSBC a few years back. I was able to describe her fairly well to the transfer office official, and he said he'd see what he could do about it. The Michelle I recall is 5 foot 4 inches tall, wears her brown hair in a bun, and usually walks around with a peacock feather tucked into this bun. He said that he didn't think that would be enough- do you have more information for me? Is it possible that you and I are thinking of TWO ENTIRELY DIFFERENT MICHELLE BROWNS? I must let you know that it is entirely possible that the official was saying something else- our conversation took place in an ancient Mayan dialect, in which I am not completely fluent, although I can get by.
In regards to the form, it's been now a few days since I sent it in. Has it been processed yet? What's going on? When can I give the go-ahead in regards to the investments? The shopping-centre owners have informed me that we must act hastily!
I also have a question for you, Kelvin, that Samantha and I have been debating on the cruise. It is something that I've been thinking a lot about, and we need you to settle the issue so that I can fully devote myself to our business relationship and growing friendship. We are planning on buying a yacht when we come back (you and Jane are invited to join us whenever you please), but we're still debating the name. We've decided that YOU should be the one to decide (although I'm sure you've already heard all of this through the battle center). Here are the choices: "Chicken of the Sea" or "Apocalypse Meow". I won't tell you which of them Sam chose, and which I chose (I don't want to influence your decision), but I cannot stress how important this question is (although I'm sure it seems silly to an important person, such as yourself). You MUST decide. Please hurry
Thank you, and God Bless
Jonathan
"The mistake is from me,no nobody is above mistake,thanks for the correction." -The Honourable Kelvin Smith, July 4th 2008.
Editor's note: I wasn't sure if maybe I was pushing Kelvin a bit too far in this last email. I'd already felt that I was pushing the boundaries of the believable, but this last email was a bit over the top, even by the standards of Jonathan Ombudsman. Less than an hour later, I had the answer.
from: Kelvin Smith
to: Jonathan Ombudsman
date: Wed, Jul 9, 2008 at 1:36 AM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dear Jonathan Ombudsman,
Stop playing games with me,you not a serious business man,your message makes no meaning to me,I will look for somelse...You are just a Joker.Har Har
Take care.
Kelvin Smith.
Editor's note: His "Har Har" is classic. Kelvin has quite a sense of humour. I was going to miss him. Unless...
Thursday, July 10, 2008
The Mysterious Kelvin Smith- The Phone Call (part 4)
from: Jonathan Ombudsman
to: kelvinsmith200008@yahoo.fr
date: Tue, Jul 1, 2008 at 5:52 PM
subject Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dearest Kelvin,
I called your office approximately three hours ago, and was a told by a Mr. Jonny (I didn't catch his last name) that you were in a meeting, and that I would be fine if I were to call back in two and a half hour's time. At the end of our conversation, he wished that God blessed my family. It seems that not only are you a great man, Kelvin, but also your male secretaries as well. Either way, I've been trying to reach you, and cannot get through. Is there a time that I could call you?
Thank you very much for accepting my request that your Gift marry our son Thadeus. We are most honoured! We have docked for a bit, and Samantha is out shopping at the local Caribbean shops. She said she would be looking for a good souvenir for you and your wife (she said it was a surprise, but I hope you don't mind). She was thinking of these brilliant novelty "T-Shirts" that I've heard have recently become popular- something like "My (Blank) went to (Blank) and all he got me was this lousy t-shirt" Have you ever heard of anything so funny? Har Har! She said she would look for one where the first blank would say "Blood Brother" and the second would say "the Bahamas". I'm sure I don't need to tell you what the final makeup of the sentence would become.
I would really like to speak with you before sending in the forms that you've sent to me.
With love and affection,
Jonathan
P.S. The captain asked me a riddle last night, that I haven't yet been able to figure out. Maybe you can help. It starts "How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a man?" I was a bit mystified by it, and (based on our bond of brotherhood) thought that perhaps you could shed light on it. God bless!
- Show quoted text
from: Kelvin Smith
reply-to: kelvinsmith200008@yahoo.fr
to: Jonathan Ombudsman
date: Tue, Jul 1, 2008 at 7:18 PM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Hello My Dear Brother,
You can call me now,the meeting is over,I'm waiting for your call now,I'm close to the phone.
Regards,
Kelvin Smith.
Editor's note: And thus, I called Kelvin. We spoke for quite some time, though we kept getting cut off and it was difficult for me to understand his heavy accent. There is a video of my favorite parts. You could ask me (nicely) if you'd like to see it- j.ombud@gmail.com Not included in the highlights is a sequence where I tried to explain to him that I wanted his postal address as well, so that I could send the form by post as well as by e-mail. This was explained as my normal business procedures. It took him about five minutes to understand that I wanted his address, which he promised to send. Also, since we kept getting cut off, I asked if he could kindly send me a land-line number so that we could speak again (the number was a net-phone, and I wanted the police to get this fellow). He promised he would. I also told him I wasn't sure about how to send the bank transfer fee. He said we could "worry about that later". Afterwards, he told me he'd send me a name to wire it to. I gave him a description of the places I was looking into investing, including a five million dollar shopping centre. He thought that sounded good.
from: Kelvin Smith
to: Jonathan Ombudsman
date: Tue, Jul 1, 2008 at 8:40 PM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dear Brother Ombudsman,
It was nice speaking with you on the phone today,this are the information's below:
(1)This is the address below to send the Bank Transfer Form to:
Address: HSBC Bank plc
8 Canada Square
London E14 5HQ
and
(2) You are to send the Bank Transfer Fee via Western Union Money Transfer to the bank accountant name below:
Name: Micheal Brown
Address:London/United Kingdom
Make sure you post the bank form to the bank and also send the bank transfer fee via western union money transfer and the process of the funds will take place within 72hrs.
Thanks and God bless.
Regards,
Kelvin Smith.
from: Jonathan Ombudsman
to: Kelvin Smith
date: Tue, Jul 1, 2008 at 8:43 PM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Brother Kelvin,
How joyed I was that you agreed to enter into the Blood Oath with me! In my native Kosltlewick, this event is viewed very seriously, and will doubtless make my family proud.
You mentioned that you would write me an email, but it looks like I beat you to it! Har har! Either way, as soon as I get the postal address and the land line number that I can call you at, I will be forwarding the bank form to the bank, and sending you a copy as well. Please be in touch with me as soon as possible- I too would like to end this deal by the end of the week.
Yours always and forever,
Jonathan
from: Jonathan Ombudsman
to: kelvinsmith
date: Tue, Jul 1, 2008 at 8:48 PM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Kelvin-
it looks like you beat me to it!
I still need the land line number before I can send the form
Multitudinous thanks,
Jonny
from: Kelvin Smith
to: Jonathan Ombudsman
date: Wed, Jul 2, 2008 at 12:13 AM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dear Brother Ombudsman,
This is my postal address below:
Address:12 Sherwood Street Piccadilly London W1F 7BR United Kingdom
This is my office Land phone number +448700111740 for security reason,it will not be wise to call me on it because all calls are recorded.
Thanks and Remain Bless
Regards,
Kelvin Smith.
from: Kelvin Smith
to: Jonathan Ombudsman
date: Wed, Jul 2, 2008 at 12:17 AM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dear Brother Ombudsman,
This is my postal address below:
Address:12 Sherwood Street Piccadilly London W1F 7BR United Kingdom
This is my office Land phone number +448700111740 for security reason,it will not be wise to call me on it because all calls are recorded.
Thanks and Remain Bless
Regards,
Kelvin Smith.
Editor's note: I checked the Internet for the address and phone number- the address is of some hotel, and the number is one that's been used in many scams (and no one answers). I had been betrayed! Nevertheless, the show must go on...
to: kelvinsmith200008@yahoo.fr
date: Tue, Jul 1, 2008 at 5:52 PM
subject Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dearest Kelvin,
I called your office approximately three hours ago, and was a told by a Mr. Jonny (I didn't catch his last name) that you were in a meeting, and that I would be fine if I were to call back in two and a half hour's time. At the end of our conversation, he wished that God blessed my family. It seems that not only are you a great man, Kelvin, but also your male secretaries as well. Either way, I've been trying to reach you, and cannot get through. Is there a time that I could call you?
Thank you very much for accepting my request that your Gift marry our son Thadeus. We are most honoured! We have docked for a bit, and Samantha is out shopping at the local Caribbean shops. She said she would be looking for a good souvenir for you and your wife (she said it was a surprise, but I hope you don't mind). She was thinking of these brilliant novelty "T-Shirts" that I've heard have recently become popular- something like "My (Blank) went to (Blank) and all he got me was this lousy t-shirt" Have you ever heard of anything so funny? Har Har! She said she would look for one where the first blank would say "Blood Brother" and the second would say "the Bahamas". I'm sure I don't need to tell you what the final makeup of the sentence would become.
I would really like to speak with you before sending in the forms that you've sent to me.
With love and affection,
Jonathan
P.S. The captain asked me a riddle last night, that I haven't yet been able to figure out. Maybe you can help. It starts "How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a man?" I was a bit mystified by it, and (based on our bond of brotherhood) thought that perhaps you could shed light on it. God bless!
- Show quoted text
from: Kelvin Smith
reply-to: kelvinsmith200008@yahoo.fr
to: Jonathan Ombudsman
date: Tue, Jul 1, 2008 at 7:18 PM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Hello My Dear Brother,
You can call me now,the meeting is over,I'm waiting for your call now,I'm close to the phone.
Regards,
Kelvin Smith.
Editor's note: And thus, I called Kelvin. We spoke for quite some time, though we kept getting cut off and it was difficult for me to understand his heavy accent. There is a video of my favorite parts. You could ask me (nicely) if you'd like to see it- j.ombud@gmail.com Not included in the highlights is a sequence where I tried to explain to him that I wanted his postal address as well, so that I could send the form by post as well as by e-mail. This was explained as my normal business procedures. It took him about five minutes to understand that I wanted his address, which he promised to send. Also, since we kept getting cut off, I asked if he could kindly send me a land-line number so that we could speak again (the number was a net-phone, and I wanted the police to get this fellow). He promised he would. I also told him I wasn't sure about how to send the bank transfer fee. He said we could "worry about that later". Afterwards, he told me he'd send me a name to wire it to. I gave him a description of the places I was looking into investing, including a five million dollar shopping centre. He thought that sounded good.
from: Kelvin Smith
to: Jonathan Ombudsman
date: Tue, Jul 1, 2008 at 8:40 PM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dear Brother Ombudsman,
It was nice speaking with you on the phone today,this are the information's below:
(1)This is the address below to send the Bank Transfer Form to:
Address: HSBC Bank plc
8 Canada Square
London E14 5HQ
and
(2) You are to send the Bank Transfer Fee via Western Union Money Transfer to the bank accountant name below:
Name: Micheal Brown
Address:London/United Kingdom
Make sure you post the bank form to the bank and also send the bank transfer fee via western union money transfer and the process of the funds will take place within 72hrs.
Thanks and God bless.
Regards,
Kelvin Smith.
from: Jonathan Ombudsman
to: Kelvin Smith
date: Tue, Jul 1, 2008 at 8:43 PM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Brother Kelvin,
How joyed I was that you agreed to enter into the Blood Oath with me! In my native Kosltlewick, this event is viewed very seriously, and will doubtless make my family proud.
You mentioned that you would write me an email, but it looks like I beat you to it! Har har! Either way, as soon as I get the postal address and the land line number that I can call you at, I will be forwarding the bank form to the bank, and sending you a copy as well. Please be in touch with me as soon as possible- I too would like to end this deal by the end of the week.
Yours always and forever,
Jonathan
from: Jonathan Ombudsman
to: kelvinsmith
date: Tue, Jul 1, 2008 at 8:48 PM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Kelvin-
it looks like you beat me to it!
I still need the land line number before I can send the form
Multitudinous thanks,
Jonny
from: Kelvin Smith
to: Jonathan Ombudsman
date: Wed, Jul 2, 2008 at 12:13 AM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dear Brother Ombudsman,
This is my postal address below:
Address:12 Sherwood Street Piccadilly London W1F 7BR United Kingdom
This is my office Land phone number +448700111740 for security reason,it will not be wise to call me on it because all calls are recorded.
Thanks and Remain Bless
Regards,
Kelvin Smith.
from: Kelvin Smith
to: Jonathan Ombudsman
date: Wed, Jul 2, 2008 at 12:17 AM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dear Brother Ombudsman,
This is my postal address below:
Address:12 Sherwood Street Piccadilly London W1F 7BR United Kingdom
This is my office Land phone number +448700111740 for security reason,it will not be wise to call me on it because all calls are recorded.
Thanks and Remain Bless
Regards,
Kelvin Smith.
Editor's note: I checked the Internet for the address and phone number- the address is of some hotel, and the number is one that's been used in many scams (and no one answers). I had been betrayed! Nevertheless, the show must go on...
The Mysterious Kelvin Smith (part 3)- Things Get Personal
from: Jonathan Ombudsman
to: Kelvin Smith
date: Thu, Jun 26, 2008 at 11:30 AM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dear Mr. Smith,
Thank you again! I've received your form, and have filled it out, but there are two concerns that I must first share with you. Firstly, I am slightly bothered by the fact that I have to pay 1500 pounds to complete the transfer- will I be refunded for that? However, I am more disturbed that you seem to be ignoring many common pleasantries- you did not even acknowledge my invitation to our barbeque, you have not asked me about my family at all, nor as to how our holiday is going. I am a family man, Mr. Smith; I run a family business. I am offering you a bond of family that very few real estate agents can understand. I have business connection so I can buy real estate in large quantities in a very short time period. I assure you, whatever the others promise to do, when it comes to the showdown, they won't be there. As a family man, I insist on running my business a certain way, and would really appreciate much more if our relationship also had a personal aspect to it. I'm not asking for too much- I don't think we need to be best mates, but I quite resent your lack of responsiveness to my friendly advances. Until you agree to rectify this, I won't be able to continue doing business with you, though I really would like to.
Awaiting your response,
J.H. Ombudsman
Director
Plainview Estates
Editor's note: The "I am a family man, I run a family business etc." is a paraphrased quote from the character Daniel Plainview in the movie "There Will Be Blood", which I highly recommend.Now the real question was- would Kelvin play ball?
from: Kelvin Smith
reply-to: kelvinsmith200008@yahoo.fr to: Jonathan Ombudsman
date: Thu, Jun 26, 2008 at 12:11 PM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dear J.H. Ombudsman,
With all due respect,I'm very sorry for not acknowledged your invitation to your barbecue and for not asking after your family,please accept my apology.
How are you and your family? I hope you and your family are having good holiday trip in Bahamas,I wish,I'm not busy,I would have love to join you with my wife (Jane smith) and my kids (Larry,Gift and Paul),but I'm very busy,I'm sorry.
There is nothing to be bothered about,the 1,500 pounds is refundable and the money is for the Bank Administrative charges Fee to transfer the funds from HSBC BANK into your personal account within 72hrs,so you are advice to go ahead and make the payment to the bank.
I'm very glad to hear that you are connected to buy real estate in large quantities in a very short time period,and I don't want to loss this big opportunity,I'm willing to do business with you,I have now taken you as my my family friend,when you return back to Manchester I will come with my family to pay you and your family a visit so that we can get to know each other more better and also discuss on how to invest the funds in real estate business,I'm looking forward to meet you and family soon.
Please fill the bank transfer form and send it back via email to the bank along with the bank transfer fee (1,500 pounds).
Thanks once more and God bless you and your family.
Best Regards,
Kelvin Smith
Editor's note: Fabulous! I hadn't yet met someone with the English name Gift, so I decided to find out more about this person.
from: Jonathan Ombudsman
to: kelvinsmith200008@yahoo.fr
date: Mon, Jun 30, 2008 at 12:28 AM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dear Mr. Smith,
Your last email made me joyous to no end. Thank you for having God bless me and my family. Brother Kelvin (now that we are formally entering into this business relationship, I feel comfortable referring to you as my brother), I am looking forward to doing business with you as I have not looked forward to many previous dealings.
Unfortunately, I don't have all of my banking details on me. As you know, I am on holiday, and don't save secure information like that in my mobile computer. I have sent an email to my bank to get all of the details necessary to fill out the forms properly. This should take a couple of days. In the mean-time, we can get to know each other a bit better.
Samantha and I are quite enjoying the holiday- there's fishing every day, and we're getting a fabulous tan! There seems to have been some misunderstanding- from your email it seems apparent that you think my whole family is here, while it is really only Sam and I (we're taking holiday to celebrate our fortieth anniversary). No worries, old chap!
I was born in a poor town in northern England to a family of coal miners. We had things very difficult whilst I was a youngster. I won't get too much into the family history at this point (it's quite tragic), but through my God given talent and perseverance I was able to climb out of the stink-hole that was the mine town my family lived in and built a vast real-estate empire. I was constantly spurred on by an Ombudsman family adage "In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the respect." I live by this motto.
May I be so bold as to ask some questions of your family? I noticed that you and the wonderful Mrs. Jane Smith have three children- Larry, Gift and Paul. I hope they are doing well. Gift is such an interesting name- I am ashamed to admit that I have never heard of a girl having that name (my son Trevor does have a few school friends named Gift, but they're all male). Is she named after someone? Perhaps a late relative?
Looking back, I realise that the email I've written is quite long, but I have had quite a few pina coladas, so I'm feeling a bit tipsy. I think I'm going to go lie down.
Wishing you all the best, and may God bless you, your family, and your family's family forever more
Yours truly in Brotherhood,
J.H. Ombudsman Esq.
P.S. I was assured by my bank assistants that they would send me the information as soon as humanly possible (I pay them quite well after all).
"I meant what I said, and I said what I meant" Abraham Lincoln, Gettysburg 1865
Editor's note: The Ombudsman family adage was also used in the film "Scarface" without our permission. We are seeking restitution. Kelvin responded with three emails which are all basically the same.
from: Kelvin Smith
reply-to: kelvinsmith200008@yahoo.fr
to: Jonathan Ombudsman
date: Mon, Jun 30, 2008 at 12:37 PM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dear Brother Ombudsman,
How are you and Sam? From your last message I know you guys are having a great fun in bahamas.If I may ask,is there a way I can reach you on the phone??
You have a wonderful family me like me,,,,Gift is my only daughter and she is a gift from God to me and my wife,that is why we named her Gift.
I just got a call from the bank (Hsbc Bank London) that the form should filled as soon as possible and return back to them,plesae I will advice you to contact the bank via email and explain to them.
Waiting to read from you soon.
Thanks and God bless.
Regards,
Kelvin Smith.
from: Jonathan Ombudsman
to: kelvinsmith200008@yahoo.fr
date: Mon, Jun 30, 2008 at 2:08 PM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dear Blood Brother Kelvin,
I am still awaiting a reply from my bank. I can barely wait until we close this deal! I will speak with the captain and the first mate to see if there's a possibility of having a phone line open for you to call, but it will probably be easier for me to call you (there is no place for me to wait by a phone).
It is good to hear that you view your daughter Gift as a gift from Above. Are you a believing man? My faith has guided me through many difficulties in life, as I've mentioned before, and as my father said "Ask not what Faith can do for you, but ask what you can do for your Faith."
How old is your daughter Gift? My family believes in arranged marriages, and my son Thadeus is approaching that age where he would be ready to settle down. I would of course like to meet you first, but do you think that yourself and Jane would be open to discussing this matter? I've talked it over with Samantha, and she seems to think it's quite a good idea- she says you can clearly see from your letters and generosity that you come from good family. I would not think of it as losing a son, but as gaining a daughter. My grandfather always said "Walk softly, but carry a big stick".
I must go! The pool awaits!
Best wishes, and God bless,
J.H.W. Ombudsman III
P.S. I await your reply in regards to the possibility of my calling you, but I will also be checking with the captain- an old friend of mine.
- Show quoted text -
from: Jonathan Ombudsman
to: kelvinsmith200008@yahoo.fr
date: Mon, Jun 30, 2008 at 5:50 PM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dearest Kelvin,
I just spoke with the captain, and he informed me that the only phone they have on board our cruise ship is for procedural use only, and even though we know each other from long ago he can not allow me to use it. We are docking at a port tomorrow, and I will be able to use a pay phone there when I get in. Is it urgent that we speak? Would I be able to call you? If not, maybe there's some other option we can think of.
Yours truly,
Jonathan
Editor's note: Still not having heard from Kelvin, I was worried that the marriage proposal had pushed him too far. Maybe we weren't at that point in our relationship yet. I tried fixing it.
from: Jonathan Ombudsman
to: kelvinsmith200008@yahoo.fr
date: Mon, Jun 30, 2008 at 5:51 PM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dearest Kelvin,
In addition I want to apologise profusely for speaking of your daughter in my last email. Although I would be honoured if you would consider the idea, it was totally out of place. Would you think about it?
Jonathan
- Show quoted text -
from: Kelvin Smith
reply-to: kelvinsmith200008@yahoo.fr
to: Jonathan Ombudsman
date: Tue, Jul 1, 2008 at 1:17 AM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dear Brother Jonathan,
Keep me posted as soon as you have your bank account details and fill it on the bank transfer form.
My daugther is just 19yrs old June 23rd,she's too young to marry now but after her schooling,but nevertheless,when you come to manchester we will sit down to discuss on that,I will be glad to give my daugther to your son,because you are a good family friend.
I'm a strong believer,a deacon in my church and a God fearing person..
You can reach me on my phone number +447024092321,waiting for your call.
Regards,
Kelvin Smith.
from: Kelvin Smith
reply-to: kelvinsmith200008@yahoo.fr
to: Jonathan Ombudsman
date: Tue, Jul 1, 2008 at 1:24 AM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Hello Brother,
There is nothing wrong asking after my daugther in marriage for your son,is a good idea,we will discuss on that when we meet,but be rest asure that I will be glad to give my daugther to son,as long your son will take good care of her.
Regards,
Kelvin Smith.
from: Kelvin Smith
reply-to: kelvinsmith200008@yahoo.fr
to: Jonathan Ombudsman
date: Tue, Jul 1, 2008 at 1:28 AM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dear Brother,
Since there is no way I can reach you,You can reach me on my phone number +447024092321,waiting for your call.
Regards,
Kelvin Smith
Editor's note: Since Kelvin had given me his phone number (twice actually), I decided to call the London Metropolitan Police Fraud Squad and tell them everything (excluding the existence of Jonathan Ombudsman). The officer who took down my report was quite thrilled that I didn't give Kelvin any of my bank account info. I asked him if it was okay if I tried to find out more about Kelvin, and he said he didn't want to bother me. I told him it would be my pleasure...
to: Kelvin Smith
date: Thu, Jun 26, 2008 at 11:30 AM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dear Mr. Smith,
Thank you again! I've received your form, and have filled it out, but there are two concerns that I must first share with you. Firstly, I am slightly bothered by the fact that I have to pay 1500 pounds to complete the transfer- will I be refunded for that? However, I am more disturbed that you seem to be ignoring many common pleasantries- you did not even acknowledge my invitation to our barbeque, you have not asked me about my family at all, nor as to how our holiday is going. I am a family man, Mr. Smith; I run a family business. I am offering you a bond of family that very few real estate agents can understand. I have business connection so I can buy real estate in large quantities in a very short time period. I assure you, whatever the others promise to do, when it comes to the showdown, they won't be there. As a family man, I insist on running my business a certain way, and would really appreciate much more if our relationship also had a personal aspect to it. I'm not asking for too much- I don't think we need to be best mates, but I quite resent your lack of responsiveness to my friendly advances. Until you agree to rectify this, I won't be able to continue doing business with you, though I really would like to.
Awaiting your response,
J.H. Ombudsman
Director
Plainview Estates
Editor's note: The "I am a family man, I run a family business etc." is a paraphrased quote from the character Daniel Plainview in the movie "There Will Be Blood", which I highly recommend.
from: Kelvin Smith
reply-to: kelvinsmith200008@yahoo.fr
date: Thu, Jun 26, 2008 at 12:11 PM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dear J.H. Ombudsman,
With all due respect,I'm very sorry for not acknowledged your invitation to your barbecue and for not asking after your family,please accept my apology.
How are you and your family? I hope you and your family are having good holiday trip in Bahamas,I wish,I'm not busy,I would have love to join you with my wife (Jane smith) and my kids (Larry,Gift and Paul),but I'm very busy,I'm sorry.
There is nothing to be bothered about,the 1,500 pounds is refundable and the money is for the Bank Administrative charges Fee to transfer the funds from HSBC BANK into your personal account within 72hrs,so you are advice to go ahead and make the payment to the bank.
I'm very glad to hear that you are connected to buy real estate in large quantities in a very short time period,and I don't want to loss this big opportunity,I'm willing to do business with you,I have now taken you as my my family friend,when you return back to Manchester I will come with my family to pay you and your family a visit so that we can get to know each other more better and also discuss on how to invest the funds in real estate business,I'm looking forward to meet you and family soon.
Please fill the bank transfer form and send it back via email to the bank along with the bank transfer fee (1,500 pounds).
Thanks once more and God bless you and your family.
Best Regards,
Kelvin Smith
Editor's note: Fabulous! I hadn't yet met someone with the English name Gift, so I decided to find out more about this person.
from: Jonathan Ombudsman
to: kelvinsmith200008@yahoo.fr
date: Mon, Jun 30, 2008 at 12:28 AM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dear Mr. Smith,
Your last email made me joyous to no end. Thank you for having God bless me and my family. Brother Kelvin (now that we are formally entering into this business relationship, I feel comfortable referring to you as my brother), I am looking forward to doing business with you as I have not looked forward to many previous dealings.
Unfortunately, I don't have all of my banking details on me. As you know, I am on holiday, and don't save secure information like that in my mobile computer. I have sent an email to my bank to get all of the details necessary to fill out the forms properly. This should take a couple of days. In the mean-time, we can get to know each other a bit better.
Samantha and I are quite enjoying the holiday- there's fishing every day, and we're getting a fabulous tan! There seems to have been some misunderstanding- from your email it seems apparent that you think my whole family is here, while it is really only Sam and I (we're taking holiday to celebrate our fortieth anniversary). No worries, old chap!
I was born in a poor town in northern England to a family of coal miners. We had things very difficult whilst I was a youngster. I won't get too much into the family history at this point (it's quite tragic), but through my God given talent and perseverance I was able to climb out of the stink-hole that was the mine town my family lived in and built a vast real-estate empire. I was constantly spurred on by an Ombudsman family adage "In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the respect." I live by this motto.
May I be so bold as to ask some questions of your family? I noticed that you and the wonderful Mrs. Jane Smith have three children- Larry, Gift and Paul. I hope they are doing well. Gift is such an interesting name- I am ashamed to admit that I have never heard of a girl having that name (my son Trevor does have a few school friends named Gift, but they're all male). Is she named after someone? Perhaps a late relative?
Looking back, I realise that the email I've written is quite long, but I have had quite a few pina coladas, so I'm feeling a bit tipsy. I think I'm going to go lie down.
Wishing you all the best, and may God bless you, your family, and your family's family forever more
Yours truly in Brotherhood,
J.H. Ombudsman Esq.
P.S. I was assured by my bank assistants that they would send me the information as soon as humanly possible (I pay them quite well after all).
"I meant what I said, and I said what I meant" Abraham Lincoln, Gettysburg 1865
Editor's note: The Ombudsman family adage was also used in the film "Scarface" without our permission. We are seeking restitution. Kelvin responded with three emails which are all basically the same.
from: Kelvin Smith
reply-to: kelvinsmith200008@yahoo.fr
to: Jonathan Ombudsman
date: Mon, Jun 30, 2008 at 12:37 PM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dear Brother Ombudsman,
How are you and Sam? From your last message I know you guys are having a great fun in bahamas.If I may ask,is there a way I can reach you on the phone??
You have a wonderful family me like me,,,,Gift is my only daughter and she is a gift from God to me and my wife,that is why we named her Gift.
I just got a call from the bank (Hsbc Bank London) that the form should filled as soon as possible and return back to them,plesae I will advice you to contact the bank via email and explain to them.
Waiting to read from you soon.
Thanks and God bless.
Regards,
Kelvin Smith.
from: Jonathan Ombudsman
to: kelvinsmith200008@yahoo.fr
date: Mon, Jun 30, 2008 at 2:08 PM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dear Blood Brother Kelvin,
I am still awaiting a reply from my bank. I can barely wait until we close this deal! I will speak with the captain and the first mate to see if there's a possibility of having a phone line open for you to call, but it will probably be easier for me to call you (there is no place for me to wait by a phone).
It is good to hear that you view your daughter Gift as a gift from Above. Are you a believing man? My faith has guided me through many difficulties in life, as I've mentioned before, and as my father said "Ask not what Faith can do for you, but ask what you can do for your Faith."
How old is your daughter Gift? My family believes in arranged marriages, and my son Thadeus is approaching that age where he would be ready to settle down. I would of course like to meet you first, but do you think that yourself and Jane would be open to discussing this matter? I've talked it over with Samantha, and she seems to think it's quite a good idea- she says you can clearly see from your letters and generosity that you come from good family. I would not think of it as losing a son, but as gaining a daughter. My grandfather always said "Walk softly, but carry a big stick".
I must go! The pool awaits!
Best wishes, and God bless,
J.H.W. Ombudsman III
P.S. I await your reply in regards to the possibility of my calling you, but I will also be checking with the captain- an old friend of mine.
- Show quoted text -
from: Jonathan Ombudsman
to: kelvinsmith200008@yahoo.fr
date: Mon, Jun 30, 2008 at 5:50 PM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dearest Kelvin,
I just spoke with the captain, and he informed me that the only phone they have on board our cruise ship is for procedural use only, and even though we know each other from long ago he can not allow me to use it. We are docking at a port tomorrow, and I will be able to use a pay phone there when I get in. Is it urgent that we speak? Would I be able to call you? If not, maybe there's some other option we can think of.
Yours truly,
Jonathan
Editor's note: Still not having heard from Kelvin, I was worried that the marriage proposal had pushed him too far. Maybe we weren't at that point in our relationship yet. I tried fixing it.
from: Jonathan Ombudsman
to: kelvinsmith200008@yahoo.fr
date: Mon, Jun 30, 2008 at 5:51 PM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dearest Kelvin,
In addition I want to apologise profusely for speaking of your daughter in my last email. Although I would be honoured if you would consider the idea, it was totally out of place. Would you think about it?
Jonathan
- Show quoted text -
from: Kelvin Smith
reply-to: kelvinsmith200008@yahoo.fr
to: Jonathan Ombudsman
date: Tue, Jul 1, 2008 at 1:17 AM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dear Brother Jonathan,
Keep me posted as soon as you have your bank account details and fill it on the bank transfer form.
My daugther is just 19yrs old June 23rd,she's too young to marry now but after her schooling,but nevertheless,when you come to manchester we will sit down to discuss on that,I will be glad to give my daugther to your son,because you are a good family friend.
I'm a strong believer,a deacon in my church and a God fearing person..
You can reach me on my phone number +447024092321,waiting for your call.
Regards,
Kelvin Smith.
from: Kelvin Smith
reply-to: kelvinsmith200008@yahoo.fr
to: Jonathan Ombudsman
date: Tue, Jul 1, 2008 at 1:24 AM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Hello Brother,
There is nothing wrong asking after my daugther in marriage for your son,is a good idea,we will discuss on that when we meet,but be rest asure that I will be glad to give my daugther to son,as long your son will take good care of her.
Regards,
Kelvin Smith.
from: Kelvin Smith
reply-to: kelvinsmith200008@yahoo.fr
to: Jonathan Ombudsman
date: Tue, Jul 1, 2008 at 1:28 AM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dear Brother,
Since there is no way I can reach you,You can reach me on my phone number +447024092321,waiting for your call.
Regards,
Kelvin Smith
Editor's note: Since Kelvin had given me his phone number (twice actually), I decided to call the London Metropolitan Police Fraud Squad and tell them everything (excluding the existence of Jonathan Ombudsman). The officer who took down my report was quite thrilled that I didn't give Kelvin any of my bank account info. I asked him if it was okay if I tried to find out more about Kelvin, and he said he didn't want to bother me. I told him it would be my pleasure...
The Mysterious Kelvin Smith (part 2)- Things Get Serious
Editor's note: This section of email runs contains our first serious discussions of how we're going to transfer this large sum of money. At this point, we're still strictly business (unless my personal life interferes with Kelvin's plans).
reply-to: kelvinsmith200008@yahoo.fr
to: j.ombud@gmail.com
date: Thu, Jun 19, 2008 at 2:13 AM
subject: Attn:Jonathan Ombudsman
signed-by
June 19
Dear Jonathan Ombudsman,
Please from now on, contact me via my private email address kelvinsmith200008@yahoo.fr with your direct phone number so that I can call you to discuss on how to move the funds to you for investment purposes.
Waiting to read from you and to have your direct phone number.
Best Regards,
Kelvin Smith.
Personal Private Email:kelvinsmith200008@yahoo.fr
from: Jonathan Ombudsman
to: kelvinsmith200008@yahoo.fr
date: Thu, Jun 19, 2008 at 11:47 PM
subject: Business Dealings
Jun 19
Dear Mr. Smith,
How are you doing, old chap? Things up at the farm are doing quite well. We're planning quite a get-together this Saturday. Perhaps you'd be interested in joining us (we understand if that's not possible- it's quite a drive from London). Samantha is planning on making an American style "barbeque", and my job is to prepare the roast beef. All of the children and their families will be there.
I am quite confused- it certainly seemed as if your gmail account was your personal one. Do you possibly work for Google, and as such have your gmail account is work-related?
With your regards to your request for a direct phone number, I regret to inform you that currently our phone line is having a bit of trouble. There was some misunderstanding with the phone company, and they accidentally disconnected our line. I spoke to them, and they apologised profusely and said that the worker who was responsible had been fired already, but that it would be a week or so until the line is back up. I personally think that they're not telling me the whole truth (how could it take a week to put in a phone line?), and that there's something more serious going on. Do you think it's possible that my association with your client will cause the government to insert listening devices on my phone, because if so I may have to reconsider our dealings.
Either way, I hope things are well, and please do tell me about your Saturday plans.
Sincerely yours,
Jonathan Horatio Ombudsman
"All your base, are belong to us" Corinthians 2:13
from: Kelvin Smith
reply-to: kelvinsmith200008@yahoo.fr
to: Jonathan Ombudsman
date: Sun, Jun 22, 2008 at 1:11 AM
subject: Re : Business Dealings
Jun 22
Dear Jonathan Ombudsman,
I've been very busy making plans to move the funds from Africa to London by a diplomat,the funds will be packaged as a consignment to you and it will be brought by a diplomat but content of the consignment will not be disclose to the diplomat,so you adive not to disclose the content to the diplomat when claim the consignment funds.
The diplomat will move on 25-06-2008 from africa with consignment funds and he will arrive London on 26-06-2008 and you are to travel down to London to claim the consignment funds.
If you are Ok with this plans do reply me so that I can go ahead with the new plan.
Waiting to read from you.
Regards,
Kelvin Smith.
Editor's note: To be honest, this whole coming to London to meet the diplomat kind of freaked me out. What were they planning on doing? Mugging me? Making me sign forms? Putting me in a comfy chair? I had to get out of England, and fast.
from: Jonathan Ombudsman
to: kelvinsmith200008@yahoo.fr
date: Mon, Jun 23, 2008 at 2:01 PM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Jun 23
Dear Mr. Smith
I am truly sorry that I did not inform you of my upcoming vacation sooner- I thought the type of business we would be doing could be taken care of over the phone and Internet. Samantha and I are going on a three week cruise tomorrow in the Bahamas- I will be unable to meet your diplomat friend later this week. Is there any way I could get in touch with him to set up another meeting or one of my associates to collect the money from him?
Even though I am traveling, I still we checking my email regularly.
We missed you at the barbeque! Samantha would really love to meet you when you have a chance. Would you perhaps like to join us for part of the cruise?
Sincerely,
J.H. Ombudsman
"There's no crying in baseball" James Dugan, April 14, 1944 Normandy
from: Kelvin Smith
reply-to: kelvinsmith200008@yahoo.fr
to: Jonathan Ombudsman
date: Mon, Jun 23, 2008 at 5:15 PM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Jun 23
Dear Jonathan Ombudsman,
This is sudden information that you are traveling to bahamas for crusie and there is no way I can stop the diplomat from coming to London,I will advice you to extend your trip to bahamas so that you can claim the consignment funds from the diplomat by tomorrow,I have called the diplomat to leave africa this night so that he can arrive London first thing tomorrow morning.
This is a million dollar deal and we need to take it serious,plesae extend your trip for just two days so that you can claim the consignment from the diplomat,I need a phone number to give to the diplomat so that he can call you as soon as he arrives London with consignment.
Wating to read from you soon.
Regards,
Kelvin Smith.
Editor's note: Realising that he had forgotten to turn on the spell-check for that last gem, Kelvin thought it would be best to send the same email with better spelling (his grammar check, fortunately, was not turned on).
from: Kelvin Smith
reply-to: kelvinsmith200008@yahoo.fr
to: Jonathan Ombudsman
date: Mon, Jun 23, 2008 at 5:16 PM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Jun 23
Dear Jonathan Ombudsman,
This is sudden information that you are travelling to Bahamas for Cruise and there is no way I can stop the diplomat from coming to London,I will advice you to extend your trip to bahamas so that you claim the consignment funds from the diplomat by tomorrow,I have called the diplomat to leave Africa this night so that he can arrive London first thing tomorrow.
This is a million dollar deal and we need to take it serious,please extend your trip for just two days so that you can claim the consignment from the diplomat,I need a phone number to give to the diplomat so that he call you as soon as arrive London with consignment.
Waiting to read from you soon.
Regards,
Kelvin Smith.
Editor's note: Also, the second one was written in italics, and blue. Either way, our reservations were set in stone, and it would be very difficult for me to change them.
from: Jonathan Ombudsman
to: kelvinsmith200008@yahoo.fr
date: Tue, Jun 24, 2008 at 8:38 AM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Jun 24
Dear Mr. Smith,
I am very sorry, but by the time I received your email we were already on the way. Is there any way I could arrange for someone else to meet the diplomat in my stead? Thanks muchly,
J.H. Ombudsman
- Show quoted text -
from: Jonathan Ombudsman
to: kelvinsmith200008@yahoo.fr
date: Tue, Jun 24, 2008 at 2:41 PM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Jun 24
Dear Mr. Smith,
I once again want to apologise for what just went down. Is there another way that I could get in touch with the diplomat, and ask him to meet when I come back? Is there a way he can drop the package off with some associates of mine? Please let me know very much. I am still very much looking forward to doing business with you and your client.
Yours truly,
J.H. Ombudsman III
"Never tell anyone outside the Family what you're thinking again" Sicilians 4:72
- Show quoted text -
from: Kelvin Smith
to: Jonathan Ombudsman
date: Tue, Jun 24, 2008 at 10:44 PM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Jun 24
Dear Jonathan Ombudsman,
I don't like the Idea of your business friend to claim the consignment on your behalf,I have a better plans,the transfer will done online via Bank to Bank.
The Diplomate arrived London today and the funds has been deposited in HSBC BANK LONDON and you are to fill the attached bank transfer form below with your bank account so the funds can be transfer into your personal account.
Fill the bank transfer form and send it to back to the bank via email and your account will be credited within 72hrs
Bank: Hsbc Bank London Plc
Name: Mrs Jane Freedom
Email: hsbcbanklondon@rocketmail.com
Keep me posted as soon as contacted the bank with the Bank Transfer Form..
Regards,
Kelvin Smith.
- Show quoted text -
Editor's note: Bank details! This is more like it! No more dark alley muggings! Just so you know, Kelvin sent me the same email again (with less details) a few minutes later. Now the real game had begun...
The Mysterious Kelvin Smith (part 1)- The Hook
Editor's note: This section covers the very first emails, where the connection was made, and my open nature was limited and Kelvin decided to not relate to it.
From: KELVIN SMITH
Date: Fri, Jun 6, 2008 at 1:21 PM
Subject: INVESTMENT IN YOUR COUNTRY!!!
To:
Attn: Sir/Madam,
REQUESTING A DISCREET BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP
I am a freelance, independent investment broker based here in Britain.Due to my privileged African background,I have been consulted by an erstwhile top-ranking member of a front line liberation movement in Liberia,whose organization had engaged the Liberian government in a protracted civil war since 1985.My client now wishes to channel $20 million into productive or real estate ventures instead of war.
He looks to make this investment discreetly under discretionary asset management arrangement.I am seeking a reliable and honest person who will be capable and fit to provide either an existing bank account or set up a new Bank account to receive this fund, even an empty account can serve this purpose,or you help to seek an honest and, reliable businessman who can assist us.
I have contacted you on the consideration that I could discuss with you on the possibility of my client placing this fund with you for management either in your existing establishment or other venture to be undertaken at your discretion under terms to be agreed upon.He prefers that this investment be made in your country.
would be expecting your response in order that we may discuss further in detail.
Please send your response to my personal email:kelvin_smith_60@yahoo.co.uk
Yours faithfully,
Kelvin Smith
Jonathan Ombudsman to kelvin_smith_60
Jun 6
Dear Mr. Smith,
I would be delighted to help participate in your venture. I discussed it already briefly with my wife Samantha and she is on board as well! We actually have a vested interest in this project succeeding, because our oldest son Immanuel went over in the early 80's to do aid work in Liberia, and when the civil war began he took up arms to defend principles that were quite dear to him. But that's neither here nor there.
Although I am sure that you must be as discreet as possible, is there anything that I could possibly know about your client or the group that he formerly supported?
Please just let me know what information you would like me to provide, and how exactly we can do business. I will sign off with my full legal name, and we can consider that a beginning.
Have a superb weekend!
Jonathan Horatio Ombudsman
kelvin smith to me
Jun 8
Dear Jonathan Horatio Ombudsman,
Thank you for your prompt response.
I can assure you that there are lots of benefits for you after this transaction is over.It is going to be in two transactions,we will start the first transfer with $15,000,000 which you will be getting 10% of the the funds transfered into your account.My client is highly interested in property investment in your country.So If there is no hitches or disappointment from your side after the first transfer is being made,i will instruct the bank manager to direct the remaining funds to your account immediately.
I want you to introduce yourself to me,
(What do you do for a living?Are you married with kids and can you handle the property business for my client in your country without exposing him?),I need an answer from you so that by this week we will start up the transfer of the fifteen million Dollars [$15,000,000] into your account.
What I seek from you ar e :
(1) You partake with me in the transfer of this funds to your account as you would provide a bank account or accounts to safely accommodate the money.
(2) You are to manage the net balance in secured
Property and real estate managment (which you will be in charge of) in your country.
(3) You will further earn a 20% of the accrued profit on resultant investment of my clients funds.
(4) Provide me your full names, the nature of your business, and your private telephone and fax number.
I will like to seek your opinion asking you if you can travel to London for documentations covering you as the beneficiary of the funds or more so i can arrange for a lawyer in London to stand in as your legal representative and have him prepare the transfer document in your name and contact the bank in London where the funds are deposited on your behalf
I will forward over to you some document which you wi ll send to the lawyer to enable him contact the BANK in London where funds are deposited if you insist that the option of the lawyer should be used.
Yours faithfully,
Kelvin Smith
from: kelvin smith
to: j.ombud@gmail.com
date: Sun, Jun 8, 2008 at 10:42 AM
subject: Acknowledgement
Jun 8
Dear Jonathan Horatio Ombudsman,
Thank you for your prompt response.
I can assure you that there are lots of benefits for you after this transaction is over.It is going to be in two transactions,we will start the first transfer with $15,000,000 which you will be getting 10% of the the funds transfered into your account.My client is highly interested in property investment in your country.So If there is no hitches or disappointment from your side after the first transfer is being made,i will instruct the bank manager to direct the remaining funds to your account immediately.
I want you to introduce yourself to me,
(What do you do for a living?Are you married with kids and can you handle the property business for my client in your country without exposing him?),I need an answer from you so that by this week we will start up the transfer of the fifteen million Dollars [$15,000,000] into your account.
What I seek from you ar e :
(1) You partake with me in the transfer of this funds to your account as you would provide a bank account or accounts to safely accommodate the money.
(2) You are to manage the net balance in secured
Property and real estate managment (which you will be in charge of) in your country.
(3) You will further earn a 20% of the accrued profit on resultant investment of my clients funds.
(4) Provide me your full names, the nature of your business, and your private telephone and fax number.
I will like to seek your opinion asking you if you can travel to London for documentations covering you as the beneficiary of the funds or more so i can arrange for a lawyer in London to stand in as your legal representative and have him prepare the transfer document in your name and contact the bank in London where the funds are deposited on your behalf
I will forward over to you some document which you wi ll send to the lawyer to enable him contact the BANK in London where funds are deposited if you insist that the option of the lawyer should be used.
Yours faithfully,
Kelvin Smith
Editor's note: And thus began Kelvin's custom of sending me multiple e-mails- sometimes completely identical, sometimes slightly different.
from: Jonathan Ombudsman
to: kelvin smith
date: Sat, Jun 14, 2008 at 11:16 PM
subject: Re: Acknowledgement
Jun 14
Dear Mr. Smith,
I am sorry that it has taken me so long to respond to your original letter. I have quite a backlog here at work. To answer your questions, I am semi-retired real estate agent, age 65. I live with my wife Samantha in Manchester. We have three wonderful children- 1) Albert, who (as I mentioned in my previous letter) served in Liberia for some time 2) Leslie, currently married with two children and 3) Robert- he's still trying to find his way.
I definitely will be able to handle the real estate investments in a professional and discrete manner- it is the manner in which I was trained. What sort of properties is your client looking to buy? Large estates? Condominiums? Shopping Centres? I need information as soon as possible so as to start working with my network of resources (we may have to go a bit slower so that no one catches on to what we're doing, if you know what I mean).
As regards to the information that you request my full name (as I have mentioned before) is Jonathan Horatio Ombudsman, and I used to work Manchester Mansion Realty (now bankrupt, but through no fault of mine), but now am self-employed in my new semi-retired state.
I also have a few queries that I wonder if perhaps you could respond to. Will the money transfer be made all at once? Not to get pushy, but I was wondering how much of it I will be able to keep as commission in the end? Also, I would really like to give some of my share to you, for putting me in touch with your contact. I was thinking of giving you around 20 percent or so. Do you think that's reasonable?
Have a splendid night,
Jonathan Ombudsman
"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself"
from: kelvin smith
to: Jonathan Ombudsman
date: Mon, Jun 16, 2008 at 5:46 PM
subject: Re: Acknowledgement
Jun 16
Dear Ombudsman,
I have gone through your mail and appreciate your interest and idea towards the succesful of this transaction.
My client will be interested in Large estates,Shopping Centres and any lucreative business that will be supervised under you.I could understand that you have got experience in good investment. This is the reason why we want to work with you.
I need your details so that i can start with the paper work to enable you contact the paying bank for the release of funds. I need to give you a Power Of Attorney and the Certificate Of Deposit to give you full legal right to carry on this project on my clients behalf.
I need your direct telephone and fax numbers including your home/office address in order to secure documents with your righful details.
As soon as all the releasing documents are ready, i will forward to you along with the bank contact.
Waiting for your response.
Best Regards,
Kelvin Smith.
From: KELVIN SMITH
Date: Fri, Jun 6, 2008 at 1:21 PM
Subject: INVESTMENT IN YOUR COUNTRY!!!
To:
Attn: Sir/Madam,
REQUESTING A DISCREET BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP
I am a freelance, independent investment broker based here in Britain.Due to my privileged African background,I have been consulted by an erstwhile top-ranking member of a front line liberation movement in Liberia,whose organization had engaged the Liberian government in a protracted civil war since 1985.My client now wishes to channel $20 million into productive or real estate ventures instead of war.
He looks to make this investment discreetly under discretionary asset management arrangement.I am seeking a reliable and honest person who will be capable and fit to provide either an existing bank account or set up a new Bank account to receive this fund, even an empty account can serve this purpose,or you help to seek an honest and, reliable businessman who can assist us.
I have contacted you on the consideration that I could discuss with you on the possibility of my client placing this fund with you for management either in your existing establishment or other venture to be undertaken at your discretion under terms to be agreed upon.He prefers that this investment be made in your country.
would be expecting your response in order that we may discuss further in detail.
Please send your response to my personal email:kelvin_smith_60@yahoo.co.uk
Yours faithfully,
Kelvin Smith
Jonathan Ombudsman to kelvin_smith_60
Jun 6
Dear Mr. Smith,
I would be delighted to help participate in your venture. I discussed it already briefly with my wife Samantha and she is on board as well! We actually have a vested interest in this project succeeding, because our oldest son Immanuel went over in the early 80's to do aid work in Liberia, and when the civil war began he took up arms to defend principles that were quite dear to him. But that's neither here nor there.
Although I am sure that you must be as discreet as possible, is there anything that I could possibly know about your client or the group that he formerly supported?
Please just let me know what information you would like me to provide, and how exactly we can do business. I will sign off with my full legal name, and we can consider that a beginning.
Have a superb weekend!
Jonathan Horatio Ombudsman
kelvin smith to me
Jun 8
Dear Jonathan Horatio Ombudsman,
Thank you for your prompt response.
I can assure you that there are lots of benefits for you after this transaction is over.It is going to be in two transactions,we will start the first transfer with $15,000,000 which you will be getting 10% of the the funds transfered into your account.My client is highly interested in property investment in your country.So If there is no hitches or disappointment from your side after the first transfer is being made,i will instruct the bank manager to direct the remaining funds to your account immediately.
I want you to introduce yourself to me,
(What do you do for a living?Are you married with kids and can you handle the property business for my client in your country without exposing him?),I need an answer from you so that by this week we will start up the transfer of the fifteen million Dollars [$15,000,000] into your account.
What I seek from you ar e :
(1) You partake with me in the transfer of this funds to your account as you would provide a bank account or accounts to safely accommodate the money.
(2) You are to manage the net balance in secured
Property and real estate managment (which you will be in charge of) in your country.
(3) You will further earn a 20% of the accrued profit on resultant investment of my clients funds.
(4) Provide me your full names, the nature of your business, and your private telephone and fax number.
I will like to seek your opinion asking you if you can travel to London for documentations covering you as the beneficiary of the funds or more so i can arrange for a lawyer in London to stand in as your legal representative and have him prepare the transfer document in your name and contact the bank in London where the funds are deposited on your behalf
I will forward over to you some document which you wi ll send to the lawyer to enable him contact the BANK in London where funds are deposited if you insist that the option of the lawyer should be used.
Yours faithfully,
Kelvin Smith
from: kelvin smith
to: j.ombud@gmail.com
date: Sun, Jun 8, 2008 at 10:42 AM
subject: Acknowledgement
Jun 8
Dear Jonathan Horatio Ombudsman,
Thank you for your prompt response.
I can assure you that there are lots of benefits for you after this transaction is over.It is going to be in two transactions,we will start the first transfer with $15,000,000 which you will be getting 10% of the the funds transfered into your account.My client is highly interested in property investment in your country.So If there is no hitches or disappointment from your side after the first transfer is being made,i will instruct the bank manager to direct the remaining funds to your account immediately.
I want you to introduce yourself to me,
(What do you do for a living?Are you married with kids and can you handle the property business for my client in your country without exposing him?),I need an answer from you so that by this week we will start up the transfer of the fifteen million Dollars [$15,000,000] into your account.
What I seek from you ar e :
(1) You partake with me in the transfer of this funds to your account as you would provide a bank account or accounts to safely accommodate the money.
(2) You are to manage the net balance in secured
Property and real estate managment (which you will be in charge of) in your country.
(3) You will further earn a 20% of the accrued profit on resultant investment of my clients funds.
(4) Provide me your full names, the nature of your business, and your private telephone and fax number.
I will like to seek your opinion asking you if you can travel to London for documentations covering you as the beneficiary of the funds or more so i can arrange for a lawyer in London to stand in as your legal representative and have him prepare the transfer document in your name and contact the bank in London where the funds are deposited on your behalf
I will forward over to you some document which you wi ll send to the lawyer to enable him contact the BANK in London where funds are deposited if you insist that the option of the lawyer should be used.
Yours faithfully,
Kelvin Smith
Editor's note: And thus began Kelvin's custom of sending me multiple e-mails- sometimes completely identical, sometimes slightly different.
from: Jonathan Ombudsman
to: kelvin smith
date: Sat, Jun 14, 2008 at 11:16 PM
subject: Re: Acknowledgement
Jun 14
Dear Mr. Smith,
I am sorry that it has taken me so long to respond to your original letter. I have quite a backlog here at work. To answer your questions, I am semi-retired real estate agent, age 65. I live with my wife Samantha in Manchester. We have three wonderful children- 1) Albert, who (as I mentioned in my previous letter) served in Liberia for some time 2) Leslie, currently married with two children and 3) Robert- he's still trying to find his way.
I definitely will be able to handle the real estate investments in a professional and discrete manner- it is the manner in which I was trained. What sort of properties is your client looking to buy? Large estates? Condominiums? Shopping Centres? I need information as soon as possible so as to start working with my network of resources (we may have to go a bit slower so that no one catches on to what we're doing, if you know what I mean).
As regards to the information that you request my full name (as I have mentioned before) is Jonathan Horatio Ombudsman, and I used to work Manchester Mansion Realty (now bankrupt, but through no fault of mine), but now am self-employed in my new semi-retired state.
I also have a few queries that I wonder if perhaps you could respond to. Will the money transfer be made all at once? Not to get pushy, but I was wondering how much of it I will be able to keep as commission in the end? Also, I would really like to give some of my share to you, for putting me in touch with your contact. I was thinking of giving you around 20 percent or so. Do you think that's reasonable?
Have a splendid night,
Jonathan Ombudsman
"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself"
from: kelvin smith
to: Jonathan Ombudsman
date: Mon, Jun 16, 2008 at 5:46 PM
subject: Re: Acknowledgement
Dear Ombudsman,
I have gone through your mail and appreciate your interest and idea towards the succesful of this transaction.
My client will be interested in Large estates,Shopping Centres and any lucreative business that will be supervised under you.I could understand that you have got experience in good investment. This is the reason why we want to work with you.
I need your details so that i can start with the paper work to enable you contact the paying bank for the release of funds. I need to give you a Power Of Attorney and the Certificate Of Deposit to give you full legal right to carry on this project on my clients behalf.
I need your direct telephone and fax numbers including your home/office address in order to secure documents with your righful details.
As soon as all the releasing documents are ready, i will forward to you along with the bank contact.
Waiting for your response.
Best Regards,
Kelvin Smith.
Editor's note: Phone line? Looks like he's interested!
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