to: Kelvin Smith
date: Thu, Jun 26, 2008 at 11:30 AM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dear Mr. Smith,
Thank you again! I've received your form, and have filled it out, but there are two concerns that I must first share with you. Firstly, I am slightly bothered by the fact that I have to pay 1500 pounds to complete the transfer- will I be refunded for that? However, I am more disturbed that you seem to be ignoring many common pleasantries- you did not even acknowledge my invitation to our barbeque, you have not asked me about my family at all, nor as to how our holiday is going. I am a family man, Mr. Smith; I run a family business. I am offering you a bond of family that very few real estate agents can understand. I have business connection so I can buy real estate in large quantities in a very short time period. I assure you, whatever the others promise to do, when it comes to the showdown, they won't be there. As a family man, I insist on running my business a certain way, and would really appreciate much more if our relationship also had a personal aspect to it. I'm not asking for too much- I don't think we need to be best mates, but I quite resent your lack of responsiveness to my friendly advances. Until you agree to rectify this, I won't be able to continue doing business with you, though I really would like to.
Awaiting your response,
J.H. Ombudsman
Director
Plainview Estates
Editor's note: The "I am a family man, I run a family business etc." is a paraphrased quote from the character Daniel Plainview in the movie "There Will Be Blood", which I highly recommend.
from: Kelvin Smith
reply-to: kelvinsmith200008@yahoo.fr
date: Thu, Jun 26, 2008 at 12:11 PM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dear J.H. Ombudsman,
With all due respect,I'm very sorry for not acknowledged your invitation to your barbecue and for not asking after your family,please accept my apology.
How are you and your family? I hope you and your family are having good holiday trip in Bahamas,I wish,I'm not busy,I would have love to join you with my wife (Jane smith) and my kids (Larry,Gift and Paul),but I'm very busy,I'm sorry.
There is nothing to be bothered about,the 1,500 pounds is refundable and the money is for the Bank Administrative charges Fee to transfer the funds from HSBC BANK into your personal account within 72hrs,so you are advice to go ahead and make the payment to the bank.
I'm very glad to hear that you are connected to buy real estate in large quantities in a very short time period,and I don't want to loss this big opportunity,I'm willing to do business with you,I have now taken you as my my family friend,when you return back to Manchester I will come with my family to pay you and your family a visit so that we can get to know each other more better and also discuss on how to invest the funds in real estate business,I'm looking forward to meet you and family soon.
Please fill the bank transfer form and send it back via email to the bank along with the bank transfer fee (1,500 pounds).
Thanks once more and God bless you and your family.
Best Regards,
Kelvin Smith
Editor's note: Fabulous! I hadn't yet met someone with the English name Gift, so I decided to find out more about this person.
from: Jonathan Ombudsman
to: kelvinsmith200008@yahoo.fr
date: Mon, Jun 30, 2008 at 12:28 AM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dear Mr. Smith,
Your last email made me joyous to no end. Thank you for having God bless me and my family. Brother Kelvin (now that we are formally entering into this business relationship, I feel comfortable referring to you as my brother), I am looking forward to doing business with you as I have not looked forward to many previous dealings.
Unfortunately, I don't have all of my banking details on me. As you know, I am on holiday, and don't save secure information like that in my mobile computer. I have sent an email to my bank to get all of the details necessary to fill out the forms properly. This should take a couple of days. In the mean-time, we can get to know each other a bit better.
Samantha and I are quite enjoying the holiday- there's fishing every day, and we're getting a fabulous tan! There seems to have been some misunderstanding- from your email it seems apparent that you think my whole family is here, while it is really only Sam and I (we're taking holiday to celebrate our fortieth anniversary). No worries, old chap!
I was born in a poor town in northern England to a family of coal miners. We had things very difficult whilst I was a youngster. I won't get too much into the family history at this point (it's quite tragic), but through my God given talent and perseverance I was able to climb out of the stink-hole that was the mine town my family lived in and built a vast real-estate empire. I was constantly spurred on by an Ombudsman family adage "In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the respect." I live by this motto.
May I be so bold as to ask some questions of your family? I noticed that you and the wonderful Mrs. Jane Smith have three children- Larry, Gift and Paul. I hope they are doing well. Gift is such an interesting name- I am ashamed to admit that I have never heard of a girl having that name (my son Trevor does have a few school friends named Gift, but they're all male). Is she named after someone? Perhaps a late relative?
Looking back, I realise that the email I've written is quite long, but I have had quite a few pina coladas, so I'm feeling a bit tipsy. I think I'm going to go lie down.
Wishing you all the best, and may God bless you, your family, and your family's family forever more
Yours truly in Brotherhood,
J.H. Ombudsman Esq.
P.S. I was assured by my bank assistants that they would send me the information as soon as humanly possible (I pay them quite well after all).
"I meant what I said, and I said what I meant" Abraham Lincoln, Gettysburg 1865
Editor's note: The Ombudsman family adage was also used in the film "Scarface" without our permission. We are seeking restitution. Kelvin responded with three emails which are all basically the same.
from: Kelvin Smith
reply-to: kelvinsmith200008@yahoo.fr
to: Jonathan Ombudsman
date: Mon, Jun 30, 2008 at 12:37 PM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dear Brother Ombudsman,
How are you and Sam? From your last message I know you guys are having a great fun in bahamas.If I may ask,is there a way I can reach you on the phone??
You have a wonderful family me like me,,,,Gift is my only daughter and she is a gift from God to me and my wife,that is why we named her Gift.
I just got a call from the bank (Hsbc Bank London) that the form should filled as soon as possible and return back to them,plesae I will advice you to contact the bank via email and explain to them.
Waiting to read from you soon.
Thanks and God bless.
Regards,
Kelvin Smith.
from: Jonathan Ombudsman
to: kelvinsmith200008@yahoo.fr
date: Mon, Jun 30, 2008 at 2:08 PM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dear Blood Brother Kelvin,
I am still awaiting a reply from my bank. I can barely wait until we close this deal! I will speak with the captain and the first mate to see if there's a possibility of having a phone line open for you to call, but it will probably be easier for me to call you (there is no place for me to wait by a phone).
It is good to hear that you view your daughter Gift as a gift from Above. Are you a believing man? My faith has guided me through many difficulties in life, as I've mentioned before, and as my father said "Ask not what Faith can do for you, but ask what you can do for your Faith."
How old is your daughter Gift? My family believes in arranged marriages, and my son Thadeus is approaching that age where he would be ready to settle down. I would of course like to meet you first, but do you think that yourself and Jane would be open to discussing this matter? I've talked it over with Samantha, and she seems to think it's quite a good idea- she says you can clearly see from your letters and generosity that you come from good family. I would not think of it as losing a son, but as gaining a daughter. My grandfather always said "Walk softly, but carry a big stick".
I must go! The pool awaits!
Best wishes, and God bless,
J.H.W. Ombudsman III
P.S. I await your reply in regards to the possibility of my calling you, but I will also be checking with the captain- an old friend of mine.
- Show quoted text -
from: Jonathan Ombudsman
to: kelvinsmith200008@yahoo.fr
date: Mon, Jun 30, 2008 at 5:50 PM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dearest Kelvin,
I just spoke with the captain, and he informed me that the only phone they have on board our cruise ship is for procedural use only, and even though we know each other from long ago he can not allow me to use it. We are docking at a port tomorrow, and I will be able to use a pay phone there when I get in. Is it urgent that we speak? Would I be able to call you? If not, maybe there's some other option we can think of.
Yours truly,
Jonathan
Editor's note: Still not having heard from Kelvin, I was worried that the marriage proposal had pushed him too far. Maybe we weren't at that point in our relationship yet. I tried fixing it.
from: Jonathan Ombudsman
to: kelvinsmith200008@yahoo.fr
date: Mon, Jun 30, 2008 at 5:51 PM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dearest Kelvin,
In addition I want to apologise profusely for speaking of your daughter in my last email. Although I would be honoured if you would consider the idea, it was totally out of place. Would you think about it?
Jonathan
- Show quoted text -
from: Kelvin Smith
reply-to: kelvinsmith200008@yahoo.fr
to: Jonathan Ombudsman
date: Tue, Jul 1, 2008 at 1:17 AM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dear Brother Jonathan,
Keep me posted as soon as you have your bank account details and fill it on the bank transfer form.
My daugther is just 19yrs old June 23rd,she's too young to marry now but after her schooling,but nevertheless,when you come to manchester we will sit down to discuss on that,I will be glad to give my daugther to your son,because you are a good family friend.
I'm a strong believer,a deacon in my church and a God fearing person..
You can reach me on my phone number +447024092321,waiting for your call.
Regards,
Kelvin Smith.
from: Kelvin Smith
reply-to: kelvinsmith200008@yahoo.fr
to: Jonathan Ombudsman
date: Tue, Jul 1, 2008 at 1:24 AM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Hello Brother,
There is nothing wrong asking after my daugther in marriage for your son,is a good idea,we will discuss on that when we meet,but be rest asure that I will be glad to give my daugther to son,as long your son will take good care of her.
Regards,
Kelvin Smith.
from: Kelvin Smith
reply-to: kelvinsmith200008@yahoo.fr
to: Jonathan Ombudsman
date: Tue, Jul 1, 2008 at 1:28 AM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dear Brother,
Since there is no way I can reach you,You can reach me on my phone number +447024092321,waiting for your call.
Regards,
Kelvin Smith
Editor's note: Since Kelvin had given me his phone number (twice actually), I decided to call the London Metropolitan Police Fraud Squad and tell them everything (excluding the existence of Jonathan Ombudsman). The officer who took down my report was quite thrilled that I didn't give Kelvin any of my bank account info. I asked him if it was okay if I tried to find out more about Kelvin, and he said he didn't want to bother me. I told him it would be my pleasure...
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