Editor's note: Just a reminder- last e-mail Kelvin accused me of being a joker, not a serious businessman, and I thought I might have pushed him too far.
to: Kelvin Smith
date: Wed, Jul 9, 2008 at 8:37 AM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dear Mr. Smith,
I agree that now is not the time to play games. Please excuse the joke I made in my last email (regarding the peacock feather).
Have you received the form I sent in?
I just went over our last few emails, and realise that I made yet another mistake- you said I should transfer the funds to Micheal Brown, not Michelle. I believe that the Western Union will require more information than just that- after all, London is quite a large city, and Micheal Brown is quite a common name.
Waiting for your reply,
Jonathan Ombudsman
Editor's note: Now I just needed to wait and see if he'd come back, or if my over the top message had suddenly put every odd thing I'd said in the proper perspective (that I was trying to drive him crazy). A few hours later, I found out...
from: Kelvin Smith
to: Jonathan Ombudsman
date: Wed, Jul 9, 2008 at 11:18 AM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dear Jonathan Ombudsman,
Just go ahead and send transfer fee via western union to the name and address below and send me the western union 10 digit control number and stop all this question and answer,this is a million dollar deal,I have no time to waste :
Name:Micheal Brown
Address:London/United Kingdom
Enter the western Union office and send the transfer fee,there is no way any body can receive the money than the real Micheal Brown because the secret 10 digit should sent to me and I will forward it to Micheal Brown in the bank.
Waiting to read from you.
Regards,
Kelvin Smith.
Editor's note: Boy! Someone's a bit antsy. He needed to be put in his place, and if he didn't want to do business MY way, he could take a hike.
from: Jonathan Ombudsman
to: Kelvin Smith
date: Wed, Jul 9, 2008 at 10:51 PM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dear Mr. Smith,
I do not at all appreciate your bossy tone. On the advice of my accountant, and after checking with the HSBC, I have been told that I do not need to wire the transfer fee until AFTER the bank has already processed the request. Has the form gone through? It's been many days already! It appears that I should be the one who is doing the bossing around- I have been working very hard to make this deal go through, making countless phone calls to various real estate brokers (on my holiday, no less!). If you do not wish to acknowledge the blood and sweat that I have poured in to this endeavour, I would not want to continue doing business. I am not threatening you Kelvin. I love you as a brother (as I'm sure you know). I would love nothing more than to continue with this deal, and wrap it up as soon as possible. However, there are certain rules and protocol that we must follow, and I feel that you are disregarding them. For example, the process fee is not required until AFTER the processing.
Please inform me as to your decision regarding our future dealings, and whether the bank has processed the form.
Waiting impatiently,
J.H.M. Ombudsman V
"You're making me very angry" -Marvin the Martian
from: Kelvin Smith
to: Jonathan Ombudsman
date: Thu, Jul 10, 2008 at 12:57 AM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dear Brother, I'm sorry for the bossy tone but we need to act very fast to move the funds into your account by this week and according to the Bank Transfer Form stated below that the transfer adimintraive Charges shoud be sent along with the fee before transfer. I got a call this afternoon from that bank that they have received the Bank Transfer Form and the process of the funds will take place as soon as you send the transfer fee,please make sure you send it today to avoid delay. There is nothing to be worried about,everything will work out according to our plans,make the payment today via western Union and keep me posted with the MTCN money transfer control number 10 digit so that I can forward it to the bank. Thank you for making countless phone calls to various real estate brokers,you will be rewarded after the funds is transferred into your account,I promise. God Bless you and your wife. Regards, Kelvin Smith.
Editor's note: I was kinda stuck here, seeing as how I was planning neither on giving him by bank account details, nor on transferring him large (or small) sums of money. I thought about claiming that his apology wasn't enough, and going out in an Ombudsman blaze of glory, but then a friend gave me a different idea...
from: Jonathan Ombudsman
to: Kelvin Smith
date: Thu, Jul 10, 2008 at 2:48 PM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dear Kelvin,
Your apology is duly accepted. As you've said, no one is above mistakes, and we ARE under a lot of pressure to get this deal done (the shopping centre has informed me that if we don't act soon they'll raise the price by a half a million shillings). Either way, I have sent in the transfer fee to the "Micheal Brown" that you mentioned in London. The transfer code is 186-100-9086. I was a bit worried about using my real name as the sender, so I instead used an alias that Samantha used when she was on assignment in Iran (it's a long story, and not safe for discussing over e-mail). She was posing as a German filmmaker whose name was "Amanda Huggenkiss", so if they ask Micheal who sent the transfer just tell them that he's looking for Amanda Huggenkiss (please do NOT mention my real name, as it could complicate matters between us). Thank you very much for your discretion, and please let me know when the deposit is in my account so that I can move forward. I would very much like to be refunded as soon as possible for the transfer fee. How soon can you do that?
Yours truly, although still partially insulted and angry about your last email (please apologise more profusely)
J.H. Ombudsman
P.S. I am very excited that the transfer will soon go through. Are you?
Editor's note: Bart Simpson was a hero of mine growing up. I hoped that this name was the least obvious (although Anita Bath would fool him, it was not as funny). The transfer code was a random one I found on the Internet.
from: Kelvin Smith
to: Jonathan Ombudsman
date: Thu, Jul 10, 2008 at 11:25 PM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dear Jonathan Ombudsman,
Why did you send me a fake transfer code 186-100-9086 to send to Micheal Brown,I just got a call that from Micheal Brown that the transfer code 186-100-9086 is fake,there was no money sent by you,you lied to me,I can not trust again because you are not a man of your word.
The western union officer said the transfer code 186-100-9086 is fake and Micheal was arrested for two hours after he was bail by his boss from the bank,see what you have cause me,I regreted doing business with you.
Editor's note: Arrested? That's hilarious! I needed to confirm it! (btw, he sent me that three times)
from: Jonathan Ombudsman
to: Kelvin Smith
date: Thu, Jul 10, 2008 at 11:37 PM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dear Mr. Smith,
There must be some kind of mistake
Is there some way we could speak urgently by phone?
Jonathan
Editor's note: Numerous calls that night did not go through.
from: Kelvin Smith
to: Jonathan Ombudsman
date: Fri, Jul 11, 2008 at 1:00 AM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dear Brother,
Call 0702-4016-342 me right away ,I'm waiting for your call.
Regards,
Kelvin Smith.
from: Kelvin Smith
to: Jonathan Ombudsman
date: Fri, Jul 11, 2008 at 1:05 AM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dear Jonathan Ombudsman ,
Call right away on my direct phone number 0702-4016-342....I'm waiting for your call.
Kelvin Smith
Editor's note: And so I called. There exists a video of this call too, but it's not at funny, so I decided to summarise it in an email to Kelvin. But before I got a chance...
from: Kelvin Smith
to: Jonathan Ombudsman
date: Sat, Jul 12, 2008 at 6:54 PM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dear Brother,
Is this a kind of Joke,stop the game and be real,ok? You never sent the fee I just conformed from the western union office,why do you have to lie....Be real to yourself.
It was nice to know you but you mess up
Regards,
Kelvin Smith.
from: Jonathan Ombudsman
to: Kelvin Smith
date: Sun, Jul 13, 2008 at 12:21 AM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dear Kelvin,
I find your insolent tone quite insolent. I believe that a simple recap of the events of the last few days will put you back in your place. Firstly, I forwarded the money to a "Micheal Brown" in London in one of the islands of the Bahamas. The clerk there wrote down the ten digit number I sent to you, and when I asked him if I needed a receipt he hesitated but said "No." I asked if he was sure, and he said "Yes, that's how we do things here in the Bahamas." A few hours after the transfer, I left in the cruise ship to another of the many thousands of islands in the Bahamas. In the meanwhile, an unarmed Micheal Brown went into a Western Union office in London to get the money I'd sent him. However, there was a problem. I had told you specifically to tell him to ask for "Amanda Huggenkiss", as this is what I had told the clerk to pass along. The reason I was doing this is because I am fairly certain that the governments and corporations of the world are aware of the Master Plan, and will do anything to stop it (including arresting people for a few hours, like Micheal). Therefore, I told the clerk that if anyone should walk in or call with the correct number, but without stating that they were looking for Amanda Huggenkiss, that they would not have been sent by me. Your man Micheal Brown was incorrectly identified as a government agent. Either way, he was soon bailed out. When I called you (later on, I will analise the conversation itself), we decided that what I would do is call the Agency and tell them to send over some men to the Bahamas Western Union official, beat him up and get my money back. You fully agreed with this course of action, and were even interested in receiving the phone number of the Agency's office (which I didn't have on me). Just to update you, the agents are now on the way in their stealthy helicopter to the Bahamas (don't tell anyone yet- it's a surprise!).
And now, the time has come for me to examine your conduct during our negotiations, your emails and phone calls.
During our emails you have called me a "Joker" who is playing a "Joke", which I interpreted to be a negative thing, but then you even had a laugh at my expense (you said "Har Har") (I expect to be reimbursed for that, by the way).
During our conversations you first told me to "hold on". No one tells Jonathan Ombudsman to "hold on". It is not good for your health. Secondly, you used foul language on multiple occasions, something which I cannot tolerate, especially from a man who is a deacon in his church. Thirdly, you called me a "liar". When I confronted you with the fact that other people are using your phone number to scam others out of their savings (which I found out using the popular Internet searching guide "Goggles"), you told me that the Internet was lying (which, though possibly true, would be shocking). Fourthly, you got very animated and were either saying things in languages I don't understand (although I know 58, that's not enough) or were just plain speaking unclearly. Fifthly, you began to cry. I don't like crybabies; they make me ill. Sixthly, when I began speaking of the money you said "Whatever", which sounded as if you didn't care about my money. Seventhly, when I told you that I was happy that at least it was your fault and not mine, you refused to accept responsibility for your failings, which is very unlike the Kelvin Smith I know.
All of these things and more have made me come to the realisation that I am no longer talking with the real Kelvin Smith, but an impostor! My Kelvin Smith, with whom I have made an eternal bond of friendship and brotherhood, whose blood is mixed with mine, and whose daughter will soon be marrying my son Felix (if all still works out- keep your fingers crossed!) had been kidnapped, most likely by the government agents who are after my vast holdings and do not agree with the Master Plan (which is also called the Secret Plan, as its details are both
Secret and Master).
This stroke of genius would not have come to me were I not accidentally hit over the head by a coconut over the weekend. It really helped me open up my thought patterns and consider events that, although unlikely, had definitely happened.
In regards to you, Mr. Government Agent, I am seriously considering the Agency agents out to find you and to find my Brother Kelvin. I will stop at nothing until he is found- it is my duty as an eternal pen pal. If you can hear me, Kelvin, I just want to let you know that I love you very much and I'm going to find you! Don't let them get your spirits down!
If you let the real Kelvin Smith go at any point, please let me know
Sincerely Yours,
Jonathan "Kelvin is my blood brother" Horatio Ombudsman III
"I will always be real to myself, so go suck on an egg, you lousy Government Agent." -The Inimitable Jonathan Ombudsman, Paris June 1978
from: Kelvin Smith
to: Jonathan Ombudsman
date: Tue, Jul 15, 2008 at 12:07 AM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
You are full of lies,I knew you never sent a penny,you are just fooling your old age,,,,,hahahhahlol,stop fooling youself.
from: Jonathan Ombudsman
to: Kelvin Smith
date: Tue, Jul 15, 2008 at 11:52 AM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dear Government Agent,
Your accusations hurt me. Despite the fact that you are fighting to stop the Master Plan, I still care about your opinions. I also am not sure what's so funny. What are you laughing out loud about?
I asked that you only contact me if you decide to free my brother Kelvin. Please stop causing me pain and suffering.
Jonathan Ombudsman
"I must always have the last word" -Jonathan Ombudsman
from: Kelvin Smith
to: Jonathan Ombudsman
date: Tue, Jul 15, 2008 at 4:10 PM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Whatever you call yourself,I'm not moved,hahahhahahahahahlol
from: Jonathan Ombudsman
to: Kelvin Smith
date: Tue, Jul 15, 2008 at 7:21 PM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
Dear Government Agent,
I did not think that you had moved. That is quite a ridiculous assertion. From the beginning I pitied you- government jobs aren't quite what they used to be, what with the dollar the way it is, and the subprime mortgage realty shopping centre crisis (I've heard a lot about this- I don't know if Kelvin divulged this during your torture interrogations, but I am a retired real-estate dealer broker man). But I really never suggested that you move. If however, you would like to leave your low-paying government job, I would gladly welcome you. Please send me your full name, resume and two contacts (they can be anonymous).
My side will win in the end. Although I cannot discuss the Secret (and Master) Plan freely over the Internet wires, I am sure that you have heard enough about it to know that it is the Superior Plan (in addition to it being Master and Secret, it is also very Superior). In the end it will win out, and there is nothing either the governments of the world, nor the corporations of Swaziland can do about it. All who wish to join me are welcome, and when the time comes they will be justly rewarded. In exchange for coming onboard and revealing to us all of your in-depth knowledege of cloak room assassinations and negotiations, I would be willing to help you both monetarily and fiscally. You will be in a position of power- hundreds will worship you and obey your commands. Thousands will tend to your every need. In addition, we have dental insurance!
I also noticed that you have a tendency to laugh in a somewhat odd manner- instead of most people, who give off a simple "Ha ha!" (or, in my case "Har har!", as I'm sure Kelvin has confessed only after going without sleep for five days), you keep getting stuck- the two times I've read you laugh you have gone "hahahahahaha", or something to that effect. I'm not sure if you're giggling or choking- it is quite unclear. Either way, I would be willing to help you. The Agency and the Company have the best laughing-typing technicians in the world.
I'm sure it's very difficult for you to continue communicating with me in this manner, Mr. Government Agent, without your bosses detecting your clandestine communications. I applaud your bravery and willingness to join the Cause (the Cause really being the whole point of the Master Secret Superior Plan). However, it would be foolish for us to continue communicating this way. If you would like to come on board, just send me the resume and two contacts (for now I will forgo the 1500 pound registration fee), and a phone number that I can reach you at. I'm sure it is superfluous to tell you to make sure the phone call can't be traced. Also, your name would be quite helpful.
Any information you can provide as to Kelvin's status at this time would be most appreciated by both my wife and I (Samantha has gone near-sick with worry). Also, (Kelvin may have mentioned this after the Chinese Water Torture) my youngest son Fenwick is engaged to Kelvin's daughter Gift, but we don't know how to make contact with the family (Kelvin was our only link, and now he is no longer a free man). If you could help us out with that, it'd be much appreciated.
Until then, Mr. Government Agent, I hope all goes well
Sincerely,
Jonathan Horatio Ombudsman XLI, Esq.
"Meow"
from: Kelvin Smith
to: Jonathan Ombudsman
date: Thu, Jul 17, 2008 at 10:53 PM
subject: Re: Re : Business Dealings
The Game Is Over
Editor's Note: He sent this three times, just to make sure I got it (it also might be this email thing confuses him). I figured I would send him an email to get the last word in after a couple of days, but I forgot. I thought I had heard the last from Kelvin Smith until a few weeks later...(it'll be a while before I put the new ones up)
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